Friday, June 08, 2012

Valley of Sadness

Have you ever been in a valley of sadness? I am currently in the lowest and longest valley of my life. I can't seem to find the way out. I can't seem to stop crying and everything upsets me. I can be working or driving and out of nowhere thoughts of my brother and how he died just crash into me. I know this whole thing isn't just because of Chad but a combination of many things from my past. I have been doing a different bible study every day and I have prayed and prayed but am still stuck in the valley. Its like for every step forward, Satan pushes me back 3. I know that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world but I can't help how I feel. If I am alone for any length of time, my thoughts go toward oblivion. Some days its like a drug that I crave and its all I can do to not kill myself. I have went through seasons of depression before but this is just horrible. I tried 2 times to get a dr's appointment since I think I need medication of some sort at this point and both times the drs weren't accepting new patients. Its like something just wants to do me in. I know the devil has come to seek whom he might devour and right now I feel like its me. I had a break down in church last Sunday so now I am sure they all think I am crazy. I would go to the mental hospital but honestly I am afraid that I am so crazy, they won't let me back out. And since I am suicidal they can keep me as being a danger to myself. I have no way to turn but up and yet I am not getting anything that way. I know in my head that God is there and loves me but my heart honestly feels dead inside. At this point I am not even sure how to get better.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I am in constant pain from the RA and the stupid practioner I was assigned refuses to believe I have RA even though its in my chart and that clinic is the first place to diagnose me over 20 years ago. I think that is really what pushed me over the edge because I had such hopes after the dr in NC told me that with all the new meds out that I would feel like a normal person again. Yet without a referral I can't see the rheumatoidologist.  I am 44 and I feel 94.  I barely manage to work because the job in the post office is too hard for me physically. A friend told me there was an opening in another dept at work so I applied for a lateral transfer and the assistant to the ops manager looked me in the face and flat out lied and said there was no opening. I had already been told if you are a good worker you can't get a better job there because they won't let you change so that you have to stay where you are. Then I had a really stressful event today and I have just cried and cried at work. I am a nervous wreck. I feel so trapped by life. :(


Lisa notes... said...

I hear your heart this morning. I just "happened" to stop by, so I know the Lord is leading me to pray for you.

I'm asking the Father right now to show you that He has left a light on just for you. It may only appear to be a glimmer, but there is reason to hope that you WILL feel better and that there IS someone who can help you. Because He loves you. Always has. Always will. You matter. He cares about your pain.

Please continue to hang on to any thread of hope you find. May you get in to a doctor soon who can help you find relief. The Lord cares about you. I do too.


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