Valley of Sadness

Have you ever been in a valley of sadness? I am currently in the lowest and longest valley of my life. I can't seem to find the way out. I can't seem to stop crying and everything upsets me. I can be working or driving and out of nowhere thoughts of my brother and how he died just crash into me. I know this whole thing isn't just because of Chad but a combination of many things from my past. I have been doing a different bible study every day and I have prayed and prayed but am still stuck in the valley. Its like for every step forward, Satan pushes me back 3. I know that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world but I can't help how I feel. If I am alone for any length of time, my thoughts go toward oblivion. Some days its like a drug that I crave and its all I can do to not kill myself. I have went through seasons of depression before but this is just horrible. I tried 2 times to get a dr's appointment since I think I need medication of some sort at this point and both times the drs weren't accepting new patients. Its like something just wants to do me in. I know the devil has come to seek whom he might devour and right now I feel like its me. I had a break down in church last Sunday so now I am sure they all think I am crazy. I would go to the mental hospital but honestly I am afraid that I am so crazy, they won't let me back out. And since I am suicidal they can keep me as being a danger to myself. I have no way to turn but up and yet I am not getting anything that way. I know in my head that God is there and loves me but my heart honestly feels dead inside. At this point I am not even sure how to get better.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I am in constant pain from the RA and the stupid practioner I was assigned refuses to believe I have RA even though its in my chart and that clinic is the first place to diagnose me over 20 years ago. I think that is really what pushed me over the edge because I had such hopes after the dr in NC told me that with all the new meds out that I would feel like a normal person again. Yet without a referral I can't see the rheumatoidologist.  I am 44 and I feel 94.  I barely manage to work because the job in the post office is too hard for me physically. A friend told me there was an opening in another dept at work so I applied for a lateral transfer and the assistant to the ops manager looked me in the face and flat out lied and said there was no opening. I had already been told if you are a good worker you can't get a better job there because they won't let you change so that you have to stay where you are. Then I had a really stressful event today and I have just cried and cried at work. I am a nervous wreck. I feel so trapped by life. :(