Struggles

I was blogging and found this article. Its about struggling as a Christian. I am currently feeling about as down as I have ever felt but I am not going to give up on God because without Him, I have nothing in this life or the one to come. Most days I question whether God has anyone out there for me. I have been divorced 15 years and I have dated on and off and it doesn't work out for whatever reason. I came back to God about 20 months ago and I almost immediately started dating a man from my friend's church. We broke up in February and it still hurts. I really thought he was the one but now I feel like I am going to be alone forever. I know this is just a lie satan is telling me to cause me pain and perhaps to stop serving God but greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I just keep repeating Philippians 4:13 to myself over and over. I have prayed and begged God to either put us back together forever or to take this pain from my heart but it doesn't seem that either is in His will. Its a constant struggle to keep going and keeping putting on the happy face because others don't want to deal with your sadness. I feel like there is a huge black hole that is slowly sucking my whole life into it. Some days I fantasize about what it would be like to die and the best way to do it. If I was certain that I could still get into Heaven, I would just go ahead and end everything. I am so tired of being alone and not having anyone to love me.