Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sick and tired of weight obsession

      I have seen the above picture so many times posted on Facebook and for most people, yes being overweight is the worst thing they can be. You are looked at with less disdain if you are a drug user, murderer or even a child molester. I have spent the past 2.5 months since moving from NC trying to find a decent dr. I have been no less than 5 times and my whole purpose was to get a referral to the rheumatologist. The drs have said they aren't certain I have RA even though they are the ones who first diagnosed me. I finally went to an urgent care place and they did nothing to help my pain either but at least they did give me a referral for 2 months from now. I have never had so much pain in my life and can't even stand upright. My hands and shoulders, back and hips are so sore. I went to see the actual medical doctor this week and while I am telling him that I am in so much pain that I can't even get up and down without my daughter's help all he is talking about is my weight and diabetes. Yes I am way way overweight but I wasn't there for that. This dr has tested me no less than 3 times for diabetes and you can actually see the disappointment on his face when it shows up low blood sugar every time. It has reached the point that if you go to the dr anymore with an ear ache they are going to blame it on your weight. I honestly wanted to just punch him. My daughter went with me so she could see what I was dealing with. She was like "does he even hear you at all". No matter what I said about pain, he talked weight. 

     Now I am determined to lose weight and prove everyone wrong. I am well aware that I would feel much better if I were thinner but its pretty hard to think of dieting when you are in too much pain to move. I am tired of being judged all the time because of my weight. I made it pretty successfully through yesterday so now onto day 2. I made a gallon of the apple cinnamon water from here and spent the day reading weight loss blogs. I have to be immersed in something for it to work for me. Here is so good old music from Rocky to inspire me.


Saturday, June 09, 2012

1 Peter 1:7

     During this valley, I have just kept telling myself over and over again that all things happen for the glory of God and somehow someway there will be glory brought from this. I will be honest that it hasn't done much for me to lessen the pain but at least I haven't been bitter or blamed God. I don't expect this side of Heaven to understand why but I am trusting God.
     Here are a couple of scripture verses that I have found helpful right now.  I heard the first one in a Beth Moore bible study and it really stuck with me. I know we have a very real enemy who wants to hurt us and destroy us. Satan wants to inflict pain and cause us to turn from God. So I think he meant to cause me to give up on God during this trial but God is somehow using it for good. I can't see the good right now but I am depending on it. I may have posted the song below already but I am really depending on the words in the song.

Genesis 50:20

King James Version (KJV)
20 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

1 Peter 1:7

King James Version (KJV)
That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

New Living Translation (©2007)
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Friday, June 08, 2012

Valley of Sadness

Have you ever been in a valley of sadness? I am currently in the lowest and longest valley of my life. I can't seem to find the way out. I can't seem to stop crying and everything upsets me. I can be working or driving and out of nowhere thoughts of my brother and how he died just crash into me. I know this whole thing isn't just because of Chad but a combination of many things from my past. I have been doing a different bible study every day and I have prayed and prayed but am still stuck in the valley. Its like for every step forward, Satan pushes me back 3. I know that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world but I can't help how I feel. If I am alone for any length of time, my thoughts go toward oblivion. Some days its like a drug that I crave and its all I can do to not kill myself. I have went through seasons of depression before but this is just horrible. I tried 2 times to get a dr's appointment since I think I need medication of some sort at this point and both times the drs weren't accepting new patients. Its like something just wants to do me in. I know the devil has come to seek whom he might devour and right now I feel like its me. I had a break down in church last Sunday so now I am sure they all think I am crazy. I would go to the mental hospital but honestly I am afraid that I am so crazy, they won't let me back out. And since I am suicidal they can keep me as being a danger to myself. I have no way to turn but up and yet I am not getting anything that way. I know in my head that God is there and loves me but my heart honestly feels dead inside. At this point I am not even sure how to get better.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I am in constant pain from the RA and the stupid practioner I was assigned refuses to believe I have RA even though its in my chart and that clinic is the first place to diagnose me over 20 years ago. I think that is really what pushed me over the edge because I had such hopes after the dr in NC told me that with all the new meds out that I would feel like a normal person again. Yet without a referral I can't see the rheumatoidologist.  I am 44 and I feel 94.  I barely manage to work because the job in the post office is too hard for me physically. A friend told me there was an opening in another dept at work so I applied for a lateral transfer and the assistant to the ops manager looked me in the face and flat out lied and said there was no opening. I had already been told if you are a good worker you can't get a better job there because they won't let you change so that you have to stay where you are. Then I had a really stressful event today and I have just cried and cried at work. I am a nervous wreck. I feel so trapped by life. :(
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