Sick and tired of weight obsession

      I have seen the above picture so many times posted on Facebook and for most people, yes being overweight is the worst thing they can be. You are looked at with less disdain if you are a drug user, murderer or even a child molester. I have spent the past 2.5 months since moving from NC trying to find a decent dr. I have been no less than 5 times and my whole purpose was to get a referral to the rheumatologist. The drs have said they aren't certain I have RA even though they are the ones who first diagnosed me. I finally went to an urgent care place and they did nothing to help my pain either but at least they did give me a referral for 2 months from now. I have never had so much pain in my life and can't even stand upright. My hands and shoulders, back and hips are so sore. I went to see the actual medical doctor this week and while I am telling him that I am in so much pain that I can't even get up and down without my daughter's help all he is talking about is my weight and diabetes. Yes I am way way overweight but I wasn't there for that. This dr has tested me no less than 3 times for diabetes and you can actually see the disappointment on his face when it shows up low blood sugar every time. It has reached the point that if you go to the dr anymore with an ear ache they are going to blame it on your weight. I honestly wanted to just punch him. My daughter went with me so she could see what I was dealing with. She was like "does he even hear you at all". No matter what I said about pain, he talked weight. 

     Now I am determined to lose weight and prove everyone wrong. I am well aware that I would feel much better if I were thinner but its pretty hard to think of dieting when you are in too much pain to move. I am tired of being judged all the time because of my weight. I made it pretty successfully through yesterday so now onto day 2. I made a gallon of the apple cinnamon water from here and spent the day reading weight loss blogs. I have to be immersed in something for it to work for me. Here is so good old music from Rocky to inspire me.

    

1 Peter 1:7

     During this valley, I have just kept telling myself over and over again that all things happen for the glory of God and somehow someway there will be glory brought from this. I will be honest that it hasn't done much for me to lessen the pain but at least I haven't been bitter or blamed God. I don't expect this side of Heaven to understand why but I am trusting God.
     Here are a couple of scripture verses that I have found helpful right now.  I heard the first one in a Beth Moore bible study and it really stuck with me. I know we have a very real enemy who wants to hurt us and destroy us. Satan wants to inflict pain and cause us to turn from God. So I think he meant to cause me to give up on God during this trial but God is somehow using it for good. I can't see the good right now but I am depending on it. I may have posted the song below already but I am really depending on the words in the song.

Genesis 50:20

King James Version (KJV)

²⁰ But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

1 Peter 1:7

King James Version (KJV)

⁷ That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

New Living Translation (©2007)
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Valley of Sadness

Have you ever been in a valley of sadness? I am currently in the lowest and longest valley of my life. I can't seem to find the way out. I can't seem to stop crying and everything upsets me. I can be working or driving and out of nowhere thoughts of my brother and how he died just crash into me. I know this whole thing isn't just because of Chad but a combination of many things from my past. I have been doing a different bible study every day and I have prayed and prayed but am still stuck in the valley. Its like for every step forward, Satan pushes me back 3. I know that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world but I can't help how I feel. If I am alone for any length of time, my thoughts go toward oblivion. Some days its like a drug that I crave and its all I can do to not kill myself. I have went through seasons of depression before but this is just horrible. I tried 2 times to get a dr's appointment since I think I need medication of some sort at this point and both times the drs weren't accepting new patients. Its like something just wants to do me in. I know the devil has come to seek whom he might devour and right now I feel like its me. I had a break down in church last Sunday so now I am sure they all think I am crazy. I would go to the mental hospital but honestly I am afraid that I am so crazy, they won't let me back out. And since I am suicidal they can keep me as being a danger to myself. I have no way to turn but up and yet I am not getting anything that way. I know in my head that God is there and loves me but my heart honestly feels dead inside. At this point I am not even sure how to get better.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I am in constant pain from the RA and the stupid practioner I was assigned refuses to believe I have RA even though its in my chart and that clinic is the first place to diagnose me over 20 years ago. I think that is really what pushed me over the edge because I had such hopes after the dr in NC told me that with all the new meds out that I would feel like a normal person again. Yet without a referral I can't see the rheumatoidologist.  I am 44 and I feel 94.  I barely manage to work because the job in the post office is too hard for me physically. A friend told me there was an opening in another dept at work so I applied for a lateral transfer and the assistant to the ops manager looked me in the face and flat out lied and said there was no opening. I had already been told if you are a good worker you can't get a better job there because they won't let you change so that you have to stay where you are. Then I had a really stressful event today and I have just cried and cried at work. I am a nervous wreck. I feel so trapped by life. :(

Wednesday Hodgepodge-053012

1. What can the average citizen do to honor a military veteran and/or those currently serving?

 I think you can pray for those currently serving, buy their meal if you see them out at a restaurant, value our freedom and rights that they have fought to defend.

 2. Besides a flag, what is something you own that is red, white, and blue?
offhand I can't think of a single thing

3. Does love really conquer all?
only God's love can do that.

 4. Strawberry shortcake or blueberry pie?
I will eat just about anything that is strawberry flavored so I pick the shortcake for sure.

 5. Do you share personal stuff with your hairdresser?
I don't have a hairdresser but if I did I probably would

 6. Does money lead to selfishness?
 no I think thats a weakness that comes from inside and I have seen people with almost nothing be completely selfish. I think the natural self wants to keep and have everything and we have to work to overcome that.

7. What piece of furniture in your home most needs replacing or refinishing?
I bought a trailer that completely needs repairing so everything would be the answer but the most pressing would be the kitchen stove right now.

 8. Insert your own random thought here.
I hope today is a good day.

3 on Thursday- May 24th 2012

What are 3 things you would never do? This is my first time doing the 3 on Thursday and its a doozy :)

1. I can't imagine any circumstances under which I would fly. I am terrified of heights and at amusement parks they have stopped the rides to let me off, I don't think they will stop the plane to let me off and if they do, I am sure there will be some uniformed officers waiting on me.

2. I would never quit church and give up on God. I did that once and thankfully He forgave me and allowed me to come back to the fold. He has done too much for me to ever turn back again.

3. Own a snake or a pet spider. I just can't imagine why anyone would do such a thing and I think the best way for them to be is dead.

Hodgepodge Wednesday-05232012

1. What's something you miss about the 80's? If you're too young to miss the 80's how about the 90's? my youth. I miss being young and feeling good. Rheumatoid Arthritis is really getting me down this week and I regret all the days I didn't appreciate being young.

2. Do you have a library card? If so, how often do you visit? I have a library card but I seldom use it anymore. I used to read all the time but I honestly think its s combination of being online too much and needing glasses. My insurance has kicked in so that I can get glasses but I haven't made an appointment yet. I used to read all the time even when I was online daily but now my eyes have gotten so I can't read and I haven't done anything about it. Next pay day for sure I am going to the dr.

3. What's the secret to success? I haven't made any success in the life so far so I have no clue

4. This is National Backyard Games week...what's your favorite backyard game? Badmiten and on that note I just thought this was such a cute graphic

5. If I dropped by today what would I find on your coffee table? a mess. I always hate a coffee table because for whatever reason its always the spot every one piles stuff on but my ex made our oldest a coffee table and now it sits in my living room and once again collects stuff.

6. Do you own a bicycle? When was the last time you rode a bicycle? Is that something you enjoy? I do not own a bike and probably never will again. The last time I rode a back was way back in Feb of 1992. I wrecked the bike by flipping over the handles and broke my knee and never got on one again. It was almost a year before I was able to walk without a limp.

7. What's your favorite cheese? My girls and I love cheese in all forms. I can't decide if my favorite is muenster cheese or string cheese, but I will eat about any kind of cheese

8. Insert your own random thought here. I want to go see this movie so bad. I used to watch the tv show years ago and I know this will be so funny. I love Johnny Depp and Tim Burton pair ups.

Healer of My Heart

It seems like its one step forward and 2 steps back. I just can't seem to bounce back. These past 70 days have been so horrible and trying to move forward is hard. Only one thing helps, spending time with God. Listen and let the words minister to your heart.

May 16th Interesting Pins

While surfing blogs the other day I came across the coolest meme. I am so addicted to Pinterest and this meme is all about the most interesting pins you have seen that week. So here goes my first entries.

1. I love these heads and think they would be so neat in the garden when I finally get a garden. My daughter said they were too freaky.

via

2. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I am always reading about how wonderful ginger is for arthritis and I can't seem to find any candied ginger around here so I thought I would try to make my own.

via

3 I have been going to a bunch of baby showers lately and we made diaper trikes for them but I thought this was super cute also.

via

4 All my facebook friends have been talking about this pie and I have had it before but didn't have the recipes. I make one similar only I use yogurt instead of condensed milk. Less calories and more like chiffon.

via

5. Yes I can understand this funny.

via

Homemade powdered detergent- UPDATED

Today I mixed up a batch of powdered laundry detergent. I got the recipe from here. I have read about homemade detergents for years, both in books and online but haven't ever managed to make it. Before I left NC, I had bought all the ingredients and finally today got around to mixing it up. Normally all you read about is liquid detergents but I didn't feel like spending that much time on it so decided to try powdered out. I will let you know how I like it and how it worked for me in a couple of weeks after I have time to really test it. Here is the recipe: Powdered Laundry Detergent I doubled the batch. 2 cups Fels Naptha soap, finely grated. (for me 1 bar of Fels Naptha made right at 4 cups) 1 Cup washing soda (not baking soda) 1 Cup Borax Mix well & store in an airtight plastic container. Use 2 Tablespoons per load. Here is what mine looked like. I probably will try to do the liquid next time but we shall see how this works first. See update below

UPDATE
I love it and now this is all we use. I found a way to make it a bit easier though, instead of grating the soap, I cut it into small chunks (about 5-6 per bar) and microwave the chunks for 3 minutes. The soap will swell up. I let it cool completely (otherwise it goos up on you) and once its cool, I just crush the chunks in my hand. The grandkids love this part since they get to help crush :). now I mix it a big batch at a time so it lasts for several months.

3 bars Fels-Naptha laundry soap, crushed to a powder
1 Box of Borax
1 Box of Arm and Hammer Washing Soda
3 Containers of powdered Awesome Oxygen Cleaner ( I get this at the Dollar tree for $1 a container)
1 container of Purex Crystals (this isn't necessary but I like the scent it adds) I get the ones for Babies.

mix it all in a bucket ( I have a 5 gallon bucket with lid) and just shake it all together. I put it in a smaller container by the washer and just refill the container as needed. Each time I give the bucket a shake before refilling just in case it settles. I have given samples to friends and family and every one loves it and raves on its cleaning power.

Things I learned from my Mom.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Didn't I walk on water

Well, I won't lie and say it hasn't been a rough 8 weeks. This has been the hardest time in my whole life but with God's mercy and the prayers of friends and guidance of a wonderful preacher, I think I am have finally made it through this valley. Still missing my brother every day but trusting in God's divine grace and mercy. Here is my latest favorite song. I play it over and over in the car so I thought I would share with all of you. I pray it blesses you as much as it does me.

A-Z Scripture Memorization - H

Time for another memory challenge.




A - As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15b

B - Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved. Acts 16:31

C - Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

D - Devote yourself to prayer, being watchful and thankful. ~ Colossians 4:2

E - Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17

F - For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

G - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

This week's verse is
How awesome is the LORD Most High, the great King over all the earth. Psalm 47:2

He's alive

This is my favorite Easter song. It never fails to bring me to my feet in awe and worship. I have a video of one of my best friends singing this at church but she would kill me for showing it so I am going with my second favorite singer of the song :).

Looking at the Cross

John Newton- was the writer of one of the greatest hymns ever "Amazing Grace". Here is a poem he wrote that


Looking At the Cross

In evil long I took delight,
Unawed by shame or fear,
Till a new object struck my sight
And stopped my wild career.

I saw One hanging on a tree,
In agony and blood,
Who fixed His languid eyes on me,
As near His cross I stood.

Sure, never to my latest breath,
Can I forget that look;
It seemed to charge me with His death,
Though not a word He spoke.

My conscience felt and owned the guilt,
And plunged me in despair,
I saw my sins His blood had spilt,
And helped to nail Him there.

Alas, I knew not what I did
But now my tears are vain;
Where shall my trembling soul be hid?
For I the Lord have slain.

A second look He gave, which said,
“I freely all forgive;
This blood is for thy ransom paid;
I die that thou mayest live.”

Thus, while His death my sin displays
In all its blackest hue,
Such is the mystery of grace,
It seals my pardon too.

With pleasing grief and mournful joy
My spirit now is filled;
That I should such a life destroy
Yet live by Him I killed

-by John Newton

Here is a song that reminds me of this poem.

Sunday's coming

This year Easter is on my birthday. I found this video online from a church play. We have a church back home that does a wonderful production of the life of Jesus but my video turned out dark so I looked online for this one.

Crucifiction Scene from Christ Chapel Video Ministry on Vimeo.

Here are some more crafts to do this week leading up to Easter.

I love this one that I found on a number of blogs but picked this one.
Resurrection Rolls

Really cute printable jokes

At Focus on the Family I saw the cutest Easter Bunny posting
Here is a drawing depicting this that I found.

Palm Sunday

The Bible tells us that the wages of sin are death and that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. In the old testament, every year there was a feast of Passover to remember how the Hand of God passed over the Israelites in the land of Egypt and there was a yearly sacrifice of the best gift the family could afford.

Exodus 12- you can read about the first Passover.


What difference a week can make. Today we see the Savior riding into Jerusalem to the praises of the people. We are leading up to God's sacrifice of His best so that we might be able to be in Heaven with Him.



Mark 11:1-11 (King James Version)

1And when they came nigh to Jerusalem, unto Bethphage and Bethany, at the mount of Olives, he sendeth forth two of his disciples,

2And saith unto them, Go your way into the village over against you: and as soon as ye be entered into it, ye shall find a colt tied, whereon never man sat; loose him, and bring him.

3And if any man say unto you, Why do ye this? say ye that the Lord hath need of him; and straightway he will send him hither.

4And they went their way, and found the colt tied by the door without in a place where two ways met; and they loose him.

5And certain of them that stood there said unto them, What do ye, loosing the colt?

6And they said unto them even as Jesus had commanded: and they let them go.

7And they brought the colt to Jesus, and cast their garments on him; and he sat upon him.

8And many spread their garments in the way: and others cut down branches off the trees, and strawed them in the way.

9And they that went before, and they that followed, cried, saying, Hosanna; Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord:

10Blessed be the kingdom of our father David, that cometh in the name of the Lord: Hosanna in the highest.

11And Jesus entered into Jerusalem, and into the temple: and when he had looked round about upon all things, and now the eventide was come, he went out unto Bethany with the twelve.


Make your own palm branches here.

A-Z Scripture Memorization - G

Its time for a new memory verse. I could have used this one last weekend. I drove my U-Haul to WV and for about 30 miles of it, there was the most awful hailstorm. It was on the road like snow and you could see tire tracks even there was so much of it. I went through every scripture I could remember about God keeping us safe and protecting us. I have my camera cord packed or I would post pictures. It was really neat though because once we got to Beckley WV, the sky was full of rainbows and double rainbows. I took a bunch of pictures. I am considering it a sign from God that this move was the right thing for me.

Please continue to remember my dad in your prayers. We are still trying to deal with the grief of losing my baby brother.




A - As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15b

B - Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved. Acts 16:31

C - Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

D - Devote yourself to prayer, being watchful and thankful. ~ Colossians 4:2

E - Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17

F - For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

This week's verse is
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

TSMS- American Dream

I love Casting Crowns but never heard this song before until I saw it on another blog. I love the whole idea behind it. Sometimes I get so caught up in living this life, I forget there is another one to come that is way more important and I should really be focusing on preparing for that life.

Easter Crafts

Here are some crafts I found to do with your child for Easter. These need a little extra time so I am posting them now for you.

This one is like an Advent calendar done with eggs.

Resurrection Eggs

Grow your own Easter Grass